someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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