I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
