My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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