uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
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Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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