I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
