Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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