Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
