You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
