First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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