sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
