ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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