you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
