i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I need to align my fucking chakras
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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