id be glad to
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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