Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
