Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
