if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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