God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
