I'm lost and stupid without you.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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