dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
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