and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
