i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
