She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
