There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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