3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
