Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
