please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
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I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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