I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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