We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
