help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
