first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
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Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
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What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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