We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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