I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
