this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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