Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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