I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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