I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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