Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
