I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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