At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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