i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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