I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
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I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
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He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I think I just sharted jello shots
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