sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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