if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
