Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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