drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
