ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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