Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
