If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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