So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
