He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
