: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
