How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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