I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
