my mouth tastes like poor choices
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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