my vag is so smooth its legendary
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
